Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I'm NOT the bad guy...

Notice how long since my last post... Funny thing that I have no followers of this blog so no one is following, right? My original intent was to journal my life and things so my daughter could get a glimpse into my real life since she was born but now reading back I hope she never sees it and only knows the woman I have become the past few years since my last post. I've lost 100 lbs. I'm divorced. I'm putting my life together and working at building everything from love. I am humbled. I am patient. I strive for progress not perfection. I am in a program of recovery and I am working at replacing my unhealthy behaviors with healthy, sane and sustainable practices. Every day is another day to love and bring light to the darkness.

I was just accused by my EX-husband tonight after he texted how much he loves me today and wishes he could be more positive like me and wishes he weren't so broken that my blog has sabotaged his chances at possible future relationships, most of which occurred this past year while we were still acting "married" in most ways even though the paperwork says otherwise and he was INSISTING there was no one else nor was he interested in finding anyone else. I'm pretty dumb by the way... My bad for not understanding his lying even in the very beginning was easier than the truth for him. So anyone who ends up searching Google for his name and reads this dumb blog should know that while I couldn't stay married to him on paper I would love for him to end up happy, with or without us in his life. Maybe he will be the man he said he wanted to be for some other great woman if it isn't me. I'm ok with that now even with my shattered heart and dreams of growing old and wrinkly with him.

I apologize for disclosing too much personal information. Now I'm trying to figure out how to delete this whole thing but it's NOT working. So this post will remain until I can delete it.

If I were dating someone or hoping to date someone I would want to know honestly why things didn't work out with the "one"... But I would also be open to that people can change if they really want to but only if they want to. That AND actions speak way louder than words. If someone is doing the work necessary to unpack and unravel his childhood and life wounds and put them in the past where they belong and strive to be a better human and help build this world from love then it won't matter why things didn't work out with the ONE (unless he may be a sociopath or malignant narcissist). We all have our darkness, insecurities, and secrets. It all comes down to whether we can be honest, kind, willing, open, compassionate and forgiving. All of it.

My daughter is strong, bold, brave, independent and incredible. Thanks to me and A WHOLE ton of support from people and therapists and resources of ALL kinds. I will do whatever it takes for her to have a loving and supportive life filled with love, family and kindness.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Karen Eve again...

In just a few minutes it will be my birthday AGAIN! Why does this keep happening? The years just flow by like a broken down dam...

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

That song is so deep in my soul. I am definitely having a hard time believing in this living. I think I am better in many ways than I was a year ago. I am 40+ pounds lighter. I live in San Rafael in a condo I own. I am driving a decent 2012 Toyota. Sasha is at the Marin Waldorf School until June and then going to the Marin JCC for summer camp then to Silviera Elementary School 2 blocks from our house. I'm taking classes at the College of Marin in Early Childhood Education so I can begin a second career this year. I think ultimately things are heading in a good direction.

I feel like I am standing in quick sand. It is hard to describe. I am committing to getting myself in better shape, physically, financially and emotionally. This is going to be a great year. I am happy, healthy and wealthy. I am grateful to be alive.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Fly on the Wall

Wow am I really going to write 2 days in a row right off the bat? Am I setting myself up for eminent disaster? It is funny. I seriously doubt that more than a couple of people ever see this so I am mostly just writing it for myself and the universe. I have an idea of what I want to say here and then I read back and it is not that idea. It's not bad but it certainly isn't great. I never got high marks in English writing classes. I had poor comprehension skills but awesome spelling skills. At least I can spell even if I don't understand crap! I always got lots of red circles and marks all over my papers in high school and college but no one ever explained to me what to do to make them better. So here I am. 42 years old and still can't write a paragraph that makes any sense. Fuck it. It's just my thoughts and they are all over the place all the time so I guess it's more of a snapshot than a novel.

Today ended up being super intense. I got up with Sasha and made her breakfast and packed a lunch as usual. I didn't take a shower because I was running late also as usual and figured I would shower when I got home. Today was winter camp at the Marin JCC until 4pm so I was going to finally have a day off after weeks of none. I left the house to find things in my car that I could not drive around with that Aron left in there last night so I had to take them all out of the car and bring them inside. Then I turned on the car to find that I had 3 miles left to empty. Good thing we live around the corner from a 24-hour gas station even though Aron never uses it. It has become the norm for me to get in my car to find an empty gas tank and crap all over the place that I have to move in order to get Sasha to wherever I need to get her.

We got to the Marin JCC to find out that all the power was out and camp was going to be mostly outside in the freezing cold today if I wanted to leave her. We quickly decided together that we weren't leaving her. So there went my day off. We drove home so I could gather my thoughts and maybe take a shower. I did some of the dishes I swore I would not do since most were not mine. I emptied the dishwasher. I took a shower. I rested my hip which was completely not working today after hiking up and down Mt. Tam yesterday. Sasha played with her cars and drew lots of pictures. She played with her new sticker book and we played hide and seek. I spoke with my dear old friend Suzanne who lives in Hawaii. She told me about her life in 2012 and how she extracted herself from a 7-year relationship that was basically sucking her dry. I could relate a little too well. It was like she was speaking what was inside my head except that she got out. She said it felt as if it was going to have a terrible effect on her health if she stayed and that's what I thought years ago but didn't get out... Yet.

Aron slept until 11am or so. He said he was up till 5am so I just left it alone. He got up, took a shower, got dressed and told me that I had to drive him to Oakland because he couldn't carry the box of things he needed to take to work with him on the bus and Bart and his rollerblades. Since I figured I needed to go food shopping and I wanted to hit the Berkeley Bowl it was ok. I asked him what he would have done if I was not home and he said he would have just carried the box. Funny... the box was about as big as a large microwave and was completely falling apart.

We drove him to Oakland. Then we went to Berkeley finding out that the Bowl was CLOSED! Total bummer. Then I hit the bank to pay the mortgage. Then to Epicurious Gardens to eat something before going food shopping. Got a salad with carnitas on top. Sasha wanted gelato. Then we went to Monterey Market for produce. Then drove to Marin. I decided to stop at Cost Plus to find those little moroccan tea glasses for Sasha but they were out so I got other ones. Then we finally went home to find Josie and her parents playing on the street. I spoke with them for a while. They seem so friendly and warm. I am very grateful we scored in the neighbor department. Sasha and Josie ran at each other full force and Sasha handed her the glitter bouncy ball we got her at Cost Plus as a present. They played for an hour. I came inside and started dinner, looked at photos, FB and the like.

Sasha and I read a little Winnie the Pooh and turned out the light. We sang a few songs, snuggled and rubbed noses. We told each other how grateful we were and how much we loved our friends and our family.

Sasha my love. I had so much fun with you today. You are the sweetest girl. I love your fire. You are so brave, smart, funny, creative, musical, witty, enthusiastic, friendly, kind... You are truly magical. I am so lucky to be your mama.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's Day 2013

It's a New Dawn It's a New Day!
A good day overall... I love John and Andrea. Being with them is so easy for me. They are like family and I cherish that more than most things in life. We slept at their house last night for the 2nd year in a row for New Year's. The boys and Sasha get along so well. Aron and I got in a pretty icky fight on the drive back to Fairfax after we came home to take showers and get our hiking clothes together for our trip up Mt. Tam with everyone. I feel a little sad. I am really present to how difficult it is to be aware of what I am dealing with on a daily basis in relationship with Aron. If I wasn't so conscious I know it would be A LOT easier. His pathology is in full affect the past month and a half and it is seriously taking a toll on my heart and energy in general. I find myself embarrassed at the level of compromise I have shown the last 10+ years with him. I know there wouldn't be a Sasha and I still fantasize about just ending our little fling after the summer of 2002 and what direction my life would have gone in. There were so many signs that I just overlooked because there was so much love between us. It felt so good to be loved the way he loves me but I ended up giving up way too much being with someone who has untreated mental illness and the combination of personality challenges that he deals with. I can barely stand how little he tells the truth or how he destroys every working relationship he gets himself into. And then there is this cosmic love bond we share that keeps me here. I just have to keep my focus on getting my independence back and taking care of myself and Sasha the best way I can. I am committed to getting myself in great shape this year financially and physically. I am way better than I was a year ago today so I know it is possible. I lost about 45 pounds in 2012. I will do it again in 2013. I think losing 100 pounds in 2 years is just fine yes??

When you read this Sasha I want you to remember that so many times I chose to not hide things from you that may have been better off unheard or unseen. I chose to show you my emotions when I'm sad, when I'm happy, mad, frustrated, elated, etc. I don't know if I am causing you damage by letting you see it. I try to maintain a certain level of balance and grace even though the waves of Aron's moods and presence are so wild. I put so much attention on making sure you feel the fullness of my love and protection. I know you will have to deal with your relationship with your father when you grow older. I cannot control how your relationship with him goes nor do I want to. I know how much you love each other and that moves me.

I am committed to getting more sleep this year. I am committed to making at least enough money to cover our bills whether or not Aron is helping. I will figure out a way to go to New York, possibly to Scotland, Hawaii, Tahoe and Boulder. I will see at least one symphony, one opera, one dance concert. I will eat at 2 restaurants on my top 10 list. I will read at least 4 books. I will learn Qigong and start a core workout routine to strengthen my back and stomach muscles. I will give Sasha every chance to play, love and kiss that comes our way.

I am HAPPY, HEALTHY and WEALTHY! Everything I do brings happiness, health and wealth into my life. Happy New Year!

Monday, December 31, 2012

Year in Review 2012

Year in Review 2012
I am really glad this year is over. There were many many moments of bliss and satisfaction but the overall tone has been desperation and survival. We began the year on a hike in Fairfax with our friends John and Andrea and their boys Ryan and Nicolas. Now we are ending the year at their house again, having an awesome dinner together, watching Dinner for One and putting the cuties to bed in one room for the night. We'll sleep over and wake up early, make breakfast and go to the top of Mt. Tam for a ritual of saying hello to the universe! I spent some time today at Kelly and Michael's party where Sasha was having a total blast. I love being with our friends here. There is a special bond now after 10 years with some of the same folks. The kids, the history, the stories... Aron and I barely made it through this year intact. After his workshop was robbed last Christmas things have not recovered. He has been in a post-traumatic stress syndrome over and over all year. We are out of resources, mentally, spiritually, physically. I have had to conjure up every ounce of strength inside myself to manage Sasha's growth and development, my physical limitations, along with the outrageous number of choices I need to make to have the future go smoothly in spite of the rollercoaster ride we're on. I traded in my Scion for an Escape Hybrid. I lost 45 pounds so far. I bought a condo in San Rafael. I got Sasha into the Marin Waldorf School although it doesn't look like we'll be able to keep her there given our current financial situation. Luckily as I knew the public schools are fantastic in the Dixie district and the local elementary school is a few blocks from our new house. All the kids will be from our neighborhood and Sasha will make lifelong friends beginning in September. She loves Waldorf and I know it will be hard for me more than her to deal with the common issues with public education and also that of modern western culture when we don't have a television and rarely eat anything processed... I went to Boulder twice, once with Sasha in April and once by myself in November. I took her to Tahoe for a weekend to see the Space Cowboys. We flew to New York for 2 weeks in June/July and she swam in Katie's pool like a fish the whole time. We saw a bunch of great music, including Roger Waters and Dead Can Dance! We saw the Nutcracker at Julia Morgan Theater. We ate at some great restaurants like Gather and Nopa. Sasha went to camp at Gan Shalom and the Marin JCC. I am looking at office space in San Rafael to open another practice up in our new hood while keeping my Emeryville place going one day/week until I don't feel like it anymore... My parents came to visit twice. I feel frustrated at the slow pace of my body. I am ready for something to shift. I am waking up every day saying the I am happy, healthy and wealthy. I will keep this up, along with learning Qigong. I will be  strength training with Xavier. I will lose another 50 pounds this year. I will choose happiness. I will choose what is best for my daughter and my self. I will breathe and remember that I am only doing the best I can given what I got. I love that we each have the ability to shift our perspective, choose our path, choose our reaction and creation in every moment. I will teach this to my daughter through taking care of my heart. I will do my best.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Avoidance does not really makes things go away!

Well this is kind of a joke! I haven't posted since February. And before that I committed to writing more. HA! I guess I wasn't that committed. Here's an OVERSHARE for you:

February was just awful with Aron and I. His woodshop was burglarized and we both panicked. I got it in my head that we were in danger so I made plans to go into hiding, traded in my car that day, made many phone calls to family and close friends to see if there was a place for Sasha and I to stay for a few weeks while I figured things out. I don't know why I freaked out so hard looking back. There was no reason to. But Aron couldn't find his way back to center. It got so terrible that we basically decided to go our separate ways for a while. He begged me for some time to "show" me that he wanted a life with us and that he could create something stable, safe, and inclusive of our family. I gave him one year to get it together before I would begin filing paperwork for separation... It got worse in March then even worse in April and May. I went to New York with Sasha in June for 2 weeks figuring we would possibly have to move in with my parents for a while since I had not been able to create a life for myself since the surgery that enabled me to support my family on my own and I felt pretty certain that Aron was not going to get it together anytime soon. He came to New York for the last week we were there and everything turned around. It was intense. We talked for hours and hours every night. Cried and cried together. Told the truth. Things we had been unable and unwilling to say and hear since having Sasha. It was such a major clearing and we both realized how deeply we loved each other and how much we wanted to stay together, not only for Sasha, but for one another. It was my parents' 50th wedding anniversary week and it was important for us to know that it was possible for two people to stay together through the darkest of times and trust in our love enough to work through anything that came up. So began a time of healing again. It lasted until the end of November when things got too stressful once again. Now we are in a rough patch and I am working hard to keep my focus on creating that life of self-love, independence and dignity.

I started a program called the Ideal Protein Diet on Valentine's Day and lost almost 45 pounds so far. I feel totally different in my body. I am still in terrible pain and have spent all year seeing different doctors making sure that everything is okay. I finally saw the neurosurgeons at UCSF to determine if the cage that is holding my spine together was malfunctioning. The CT scan showed that the bone had fused all around the cage so my fears were quelled for a while even through the pain. I had my hip checked and realized that the pain is most likely a piriformis syndrome more than the moderate arthritis I have developed since the spinal fusion. I dropped my blood pressure. My sleep apnea stopped. My stomach pains stopped. All because I cut out all carbohydrates from my diet. Pretty amazing!

We moved to Marin the first week of October after waiting for months to hear if we got a place. Sasha started her Kindergarten program at the Marin Waldorf School and is totally loving it. After taking a deeper look into my future I saw that I do want to teach Jewish preschool rather than do the Waldorf Teacher Training so I am getting my credits so I can begin the next part of my fun life. Part-time chiropractor meets preschool teacher. I am so grateful that Sasha went to Gan Shalom. It changed my life more than hers probably...

I am compiling a book to be completed by the end of 2013 and I started recording my first full-length "album" of original songs. It feels like I am headed in a good direction.

I want to apologize to my little darling Sasha for not writing more this year. So many marvelous things happened this year for you and I did not document them in words. You are the light of my life. I am in awe of you every day. I wish I could give you a sibling. I wanted to so badly. It just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me this time. Please forgive me.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Importance of Being detached

I have cultivated this uncanny ability to completely shut out the voice of my husband, depending on what he is saying and whether or not I am interested in listening. He can have long conversations with himself thinking that he is talking with me, never noticing that I am completely not listening. Is this terrible? Do other couples do this? I have to put aside that he has some pretty major social challenges and tends to lose people in the details. He doesn't seem to know conversational etiquette that other people learned in elementary school or even earlier. Sasha even wants me to look her in the eye when she's telling me something really important beginning when she was just 3. He rarely makes eye-contact with the person he is talking to and I can often see how that impacts the connection he hopes he is fostering.

How is this going to affect Sasha? I'm sure she sees us have conversations where we are both engaged in the subject matter. The more I think about it I guess I only shut him out when we are either on the phone or he is talking at me later in the evening after she's asleep. So she probably isn't seeing it yet. I am so over him right now. I really want to get my practice going so I am making tons of money and figure out what I'm going to do for the future. I want Sasha to have a place to grow up in that is stable, non-violent, fully self-expressed and creatively abundant. I want a living room with wooden floors that has a baby grand piano perfectly placed with every kind of instrument we want to have. I want a play-room where we can each have a full-on art area. I want a kitchen that is big enough to let her cook along with me without danger. I want a house where we can garden and relax, play and read, run around like crazies, jump, chase, pillow-fight, hide, and relate. I want to have people over. I want to have regular dinner parties, Sunday brunches, kid sleepovers, etc.

There is a moment of clarity that comes when I know what I have to do. I haven't had that moment but I know it is coming. I fully trust that the opportunities will present themselves and I trust that I can now focus on what is the most important. I have been through and am still going through so much fire burning off all that isn't working in my life. I wonder though if I will be alive when I stop getting burned long enough to enjoy it for a little while.